Expectations, Get Some

Expectations are defined as the act or state of being expected. I think I would be making a fair generalization by stating we all have certain expectations when it comes to friends, careers, family and our expectations of what we are looking for in potential mates.

I’m not referring to standards, which usually consists of a certain criteria a woman or man must possess in order for you to even consider conversing with that person on a dating level. Standards also can be correlated with your beliefs; and your level of standards are usually a reflection of those beliefs. So that this is not ambiguous let me explain. A person can have no standards, but high expectations and vice versa. Catch my drift?

Over the past few days I have had conversations with some friends both male and female. In those conversations I found myself constantly thinking, ‘Are women expecting too much?’ I then played devil’s advocate and proposed the idea that maybe so many black women are single, not because of the pool of black men were depleted, but because women expect too much.

I quickly laughed and realized it was the reverse.  There was nothing wrong with the expectations of women, as long as the very things they expected were things they were willing to contribute as well.

Although expectations for dating and expectations in a relationship may be completely different, some men feel women’s expectations are unrealistic, materialistic and just too damn much. My response to that would be: GET. OVER. IT.  If it is a quality woman you seek, expectations are going to be high, but the return you will receive will be a far greater reward.

Once again I will state I do not speak for all women. But what I have gathered from talking to a diverse group of women, generally speaking we expect certain things while in the weed through the bullshit dating phase…

Chivalry is not dead. Yes, we expect you to open and hold doors for us. If the woman refuses, fine. But it is always better to be safe than sorry. I do not want to have to cut my eyes, fold my arms, clear my throat while waiting by the door for you to come open it.

The movies is ALWAYS a bad idea for a first date. Do not try to get to know me by asking me a million and one questions in the movies. You chose to go to the movies, now we have to be quiet for at least two hours. Don’t embarrass me by talking because you chose the WRONG venue for a first date.

Don’t let the independent lyrics of Destiny’s Child and Neyo fool you into thinking I am going to pick up the check on a first date. Matter of fact, don’t even joke by asking, “You got this one?” It’s not cute or funny. And it’s a turnoff. It immediately sends a signal that you are cheap or worse, broke.

This one is going to sound harsh, maybe even gold diggerish. But if you don’t live in NY or downtown Chicago, you need to have a car. In the words of my girl E.H., “I’m not going to ride the bus around town with you boo.” Again I’m not expecting anything I don’t have of my own.

It’s a recession and extenuating circumstances do occur. However, and this is a big freakin’ however, I will not chill with you at your mama’s house. I’m sorry, just can’t do it. We are not freshman, sophomores or juniors in college. We are grown ass adults. I’ve been living on my own without a roommate since I was 20. Please, please, please get your shit together before trying to date someone. A roommate may be acceptable, but being a tenant in your mama’s house is UNACCEPTABLE. And don’t dare try to play me with the, “My mama live with me,” infamous line.

Dating is NOT about a man spending money on a woman. But it is about courtship. When you initially meet me do not expect me to come over your house to watch a movie. I have a couch, TV and DVD player at my own crib. If you are low on funds be creative. There are always free fun romantic dates that you can plan if you just put some time and effort into it. The quickest way for me to write you off before you ever get to see me again-ask me to your house or if you can come over mine. The answer is Hell Naw!

Lastly, there is only ONE instance in which, you get a pass for not having a job; and that is if you are in graduate, law or medical school. Not having a job says you are lazy, lack ambition, you hustle illegally or most importantly you have too much damn time on your hands to be worried about me. For all those men who will flip this as me being a golddigger to justify the fact that you don’t have a job, let me clarify. I didn’t say you had to be making six figures. A blue collared worker that works at the GM assembly line receives just as much props in my eyes as CEO of a Fortune 500 company. If you don’t have some goals, get you some. Goals + Aspirations + Hard work= A Turn-on. No Job + Calling Me All Day Because You Have Nothing Else To Do While I’m At Work= Get your ass off my phone and send out your resume.

Expectations are just expectations not demands. But if you can’t meet these basic expectations, maybe you should take yourself off the dating scene until you get it together. #Imjustsayin

  • Erica

    Well done Bene!

    I was cracking up at your line:
    “No Job + Calling Me All Day Because You Have Nothing Else To Do, While I’m At Work= Get your ass off my phone and send out your resume.”

    PREACH it Sista!! Great piece..men take no

    Keep up the good job!

  • slightly_skeptical

    i think this article is interesting but it doesnt address much of actually defines the beginnings of a relationship. in essence, it is pretty materialistic. i can give you the manners/door opening and all…but you demand a car, not living with the mama and not to take you to the movies on the first date. are those really all of your expectations? that someone isn’t broke? just because you seem to have an education doesn’t mean others should be placed on an acceptable/not-acceptable basis depending on if they’re in grad school or not. that dude with the car and who is in med school could not give a shit about you, but your physical appearance and how you ‘should dress’. but the guy who could potentially love you with all his heart may not be able to afford a car yet, or is just in a financial hardship and lives with family is an automatic no-no?

    im sorry but this is just materialistic expectations at its best.

    • writingwhileblack

      Dear Slightly Skeptical,

      You wrote, “…it doesn’t address much of actually defines the beginning of a relationship.” Besides the fact you left out a word or two that would have made this sentence more coherent, you forget that I mentioned I was simply naming a few expectations for the beginning stages of dating. Expectations of dating and expectations of a relationship are completely different. Furthermore, you neglect the fact that I stated, I don’t expect anything I don’t have myself. You also neglected the fact that I said, “Dating is NOT about a man spending money on a woman,” and then I suggested FREE creative things a guy could do. Therefore, your conclusion that my expectations are all materialistic are completely invalid and flat out wrong.

      Furthermore you wrote, “you demand a car, not living with the mama…” I don’t DEMAND anything. These are once again expectations, that I meet as well. If I have all of the things I suggest, why would I want to date someone who is not at least where I am in life if not further? That makes absolutely no sense. Now if I had said, which I didn’t, that he had to have a Range Rover, making six figures, living in a condo, now that would be materialistic. I said no such thing.

      So you missed the whole point sweetie. Anyone who can’t meet those basic expectations is not the person for me. Did I say these were my only expectations, no! I didn’t mention anything about characteristics or attributes or how a man should treat you. This is not what this blog was about, nor did it say anything about a dude being BROKE. He’s just not for me if he lives with his mama and expects me to drive every time we go somewhere. A poor man can treat you bad just like a financially stable man can treat you bad. I won’t apologize for my expectations. As a woman we should always require a man to elevate if he’s serious about us, we shouldn’t downgrade to make him feel secure about what he is or isn’t doing in his life.

      If a man has his shit together, I don’t possibly see how he could interpret this as materialistic.

  • Sarah C.

    First, love the blog!! Second, I am slightly skeptical about Slightly Skeptical. Bene, I know exactly what you’re talking about. The thing is those are YOUR expectations. You already stated in the post that you were not speaking for every woman but God knows a lot of them understand exactly what you’re saying including me. Your response to SS was hilarious and love it when you wrote, “I won’t apologize for my expectations. As a woman we should always require a man to elevate if he’s serious about us, we shouldn’t downgrade to make him feel secure about what he is or isn’t doing in his life.
    If a man has his shit together, I don’t possibly see how he could interpret this as materialistic.”

    In the words of Michael Jackson, “Gone girl!!” Keep it up. This is coming from someone who has experienced the bad parts and now has everything I wanted and then some!! 🙂

    • writingwhileblack

      @ Sarah, thank you girl, glad u like the blog! And EXACTLY! Slightly Skeptical made it seem like I was saying a guy should have a Range, a condo or house plus be making six figures. Now that’s materialistic. It amazes me how many dudes are so quick to call a woman a “gold-digger” because he doesn’t meet her level of expectations. My response to them would be…”on to the next one.” I’m sure there are some females with no standards and very low expectations. Go find her, because I am not her. So glad you feel me!