1

Buried

Most circumstances, I know my fate
But in this love thang, I don’t get the game.
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend.
Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn’t mean that we’ll ever be.

“Lions, Tigers, & Bears” by Jazmine Sullivan

It had been a year.  When I moved four hours away I left my past in the past. Mentally I had buried all those feelings, thoughts, and memories in a place so deeply covered by rubble; it would be dangerous to dig through the debris to revisit them. So I didn’t.

We had made the right decision. This on-again off-again, I can’t commit to you because of xyz was beyond played out. I just couldn’t live like this anymore. Besides, if a man really wants to be with you, he’ll do everything in his power to make it happen. Right? Despite our long history- acquaintances turned friends, to best friends, to lovers, back to friends, to not speaking at all- I had convinced myself that we just weren’t meant to be.

I’m talking about Wisdom. Remember him from “Fades to Black III?” http://tinyurl.com/y7nu2g8.

Within the year since we last saw each other, we had probably talked all of five times. After the events leading up to my departure from my hometown I needed time to reevaluate if we could ever be friends again.  As always we reconciled our differences and went right back to being best friends as if nothing had ever happened. This was something we pretty much were accustomed to. I mean we have a history of about 8 years between the friendship & relationship.

We had been talking on the phone over the past few months because everything was copacetic again. I told him the exhausting story about my ex and he told be about this throwback chic that he was talking to. It didn’t really matter because We. Are. Just. Friends. Long gone were the days I envisioned a fairytale consisting of him one day realizing he couldn’t live without me and we’d live happily ever after.

I went home Easter weekend for multiple reasons. Straight off the highway my first stop was not my mama’s house, not my aunt’s house, nor my grandmother’s. It was his. He still looked just like I remembered him-chocolate, tall, not skinny, but not fat, dressed casually, but fly; cute smile-he was Wisdom.

It was a Friday night so we kind of went out on the town. Just like old times, there were drinks, laughter, damn good conversation, and all around fun. By the time we got in it was super late. I don’t even think me driving home was an option. This is where the slippery slope between friendship and, I don’t know what the hell, kicks in…

The next morning was quite eventful as I had some business to take care of that he was there for every step of the way. After returning to his house he cooked breakfast mid afternoon as I laid on the couch wallowing in my own sorrows. We never once talked about what did and did not happen the previous night.

I finally make it home to see my mother as I’m sure she was thinking, ‘This child got in last night around 10pm, its 4:00pm the next day, and she still hasn’t made an appearance.’ I continue with my weekend sans Wisdom. We texted briefly Saturday night, but neither one of us really made any mention of seeing one another. Sunday was family time. Because I was in one of my moods, I didn’t answer any of his phone calls. I sat right on the couch as I looked at his name appear on my phone.  Intentionally, I headed back for school without even letting him know I was leaving. I can be a low down chic sometimes.

Unfortunately, the entire way home my mind was consumed with thoughts of him. The upcoming week I went into avoidance mode so I wouldn’t have to deal with the situation. I know myself and I knew eventually I would end up telling him my thoughts. This is probably my problem. Never let a man see the cards in your hand.

After a long talk with my- team Wisdom, cheerleading ass close friend,-I decided to take her advice. Why, why, why did I listen to her? “Don’t push him away,” she said. “Just tell him why you’ve been avoiding him.”

Instead I took another approach via text:  “Do you love that girl you’re talking to who was your 1st girlfriend?”

Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. No response.

At 4:30 a.m. I get a call. We go all around the world talking about everything until I bring up my question again. “So are you going to answer the question that I texted you?” I asked.

“I mean I do have love for her, I love her,” he said. I sat quietly.

“I have feelings for her, but I don’t think we will be together.”

“Why not? You obviously have feelings for her if you rekindled yall’s flame,” I said loudly. “Hell she is a throwback from 1982. Stop playing with the girl and just be with her.” We kind of both laughed at the fact I kept referring to her as a throwback from 82. But I really was in no mood to laugh.

He shot off at the mouth all the excuses why he couldn’t be with her, which was the same nonsense he used to tell me.  This conversation went on for some time. In the midst of the conversation though, it turned into me being honest with him because he asked, “So how do you feel about what I just told you?”

“Uhh, I’m happy for you? I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said.

See one reason Wisdom and I bumped heads in the relationship was because he doesn’t know how to express his feelings. I’m the complete opposite, so I don’t understand it. Therefore, that night on the phone like so many other nights, I was left oblivious to what the hell he thought or felt because he kept it all to himself. Here I was looking like a fool once again. I told him how his actions over the weekend left me confused.  And I went on & on about my feelings. In return I got…*a blank stare.*

So what’s a girl to do? It’s not as if I’m blaming him for making me feel the way I do. He most certainly never said that he still has feelings for me, nor did he say he has always wondered if we could be together again.  Matter of fact, he never said anything. Rather it was his actions that crossed that thin line.

I’m an Aries; typically we’re all or nothing. I don’t know that I can continue to be the best friend to a man I clearly love, while he continues cultivating his feelings for TB. I also don’t know that I just want him out of my life completely. He truly is my best friend in the world.

But what I do know is that men are simple beings. If he hasn’t decided by now that I am the person for him, it’s never going to be. We as women oftentimes create these scenarios in our heads that one day a man will have an epiphany and realize we’re the one. We think if we just give him time to get his career going, time to play the field, to feel like he has something to bring to the table, he’ll then be ready. Sorry, men just don’t operate like that. I think the sooner we realize this, the better off we’ll be. Just because a man loves you, doesn’t mean he can ever see himself with you. Or am I wrong?

All those dusty feelings I had buried under a pile of rubble that resurfaced unexpectedly, are going back in their rightful place. Only this time they won’t be buried in a place that can so easily be dug up. I think the more suitable home for those feelings are the ocean. Once something resides there, there’s no reviving it.