What was wrong with me? It was 1:44 in the morning and I was lying in bed in complete darkness. The silence of the room was nerve wrecking, but I had no energy to turn on the TV. And I was crying.
In all actuality I was happier than I’d been in a very long time. I technically had graduated with my MA, I was learning to appreciate my friends no matter how different our lives may be, I was financially copacetic because I was living off of FAFSA (praise Jehovah), exposure to my writing had increased drastically thanks to Essence.com and I no longer had feelings for CB who I knew was never someone I should have dated in the first place.
I just couldn’t put my finger on what brought me to tears at this time of night.
Not only was I sad because I had just had a fabulous time in my hometown for the Memorial Day weekend, but I truly saw the void I was missing of having my friends here in Bloomington with me. My two female best friends who I’ve been friends with since high school are great. However, the tears were flowing due to the feelings I have for my best friend in the world. Yep, I’m talking about Wisdom again. See Fades to Black and Buried.
Unexpectedly I text him through my tears:
It hurts to know the man who has your heart doesn’t love you the same way you love him. And you’re not mad at him or blame him for feeling that way. You just wish your own feelings could go away. So you wait & wait. Date. But nobody is that dude. And 3 years later you still feel the same. He still doesn’t love you that way. Now you’re stuck being his friend b/c he means too much for you to just cut him off.
I didn’t really expect a response. How do you even respond to something so heavy? But I also didn’t expect this reaction at 11:12 a.m. the next morning:
Really though? Alex, I’ll take no response for 800 please.
I really didn’t know if I should be pissed, hurt or indifferent. I chose the latter, thanking the high heavens I didn’t have sex with him this past weekend when he was definitely trying to hit the jackpot.
Being exhausted from this eight year history of friendship to best friends to lovers to nothing back to best friends, I flat out asked him this weekend what was what. His excuse of having problems expressing his feelings was on my damn nerves. You’re 26, get over it.
“Why don’t you just tell me you never see us together in the future and you don’t have feelings for me anymore?” I demanded.
“Because that would be a lie,” he replied.
Two nights before he had come over AC’s house, one of the aforementioned best friends, we were up to the wee hours of the morning talking about life. We had a lot of catching up to do. In an attempt to get Wisdom to reveal any of his feelings to me, I posed a hypothetical to my girl who has men down to a science. Like seriously, the girl is sick with it.
I layed it all on the table. Of course she knew I was talking about Wisdom and myself, but I had to make him feel a little more comfortable about telling our business in front of him to her.
Me: So you still have feelings for your best friend. And he knows this. The last time you were in town yall discussed it. Well you talked and he said nothing. You asked him how he felt and he was silent. But after asking him about his new string along broad that is not his girlfriend, he tells you he “loves, has love for…”
Her: Wait does he love her or have love for her?
Me: He said both.
Her: He don’t love that girl.
Me: (I now have this sarcastic smirk on my face from her last statement). Anyways, he tells you about her. You therefore, imply that he pursues her 100% and y’all no longer be friends. You try to stop talking to him, but he’s too much a part of your life. In breaking the week of silence he sends you a poetic text something along the lines of friendship. Y’all are back cool again. Why won’t he just say how he feels?
Her: Let me tell you something. (Mind you he’s sitting there quiet, similar to a child does when getting a lecture.) He wants you bad than a motherf*cker. He’s scared and intimidated by you. He does not think he is good enough for you. You are Bene to him. He holds you in the utmost respect. There is no other girl who will ever compare to you. But by him caring about you he doesn’t want to hurt you again because he knows he’s hurt you before. He’s trying to make sure he’s ready before he’s with you. The problem with that is when he’s ready, you may not be.
I f*cking love this girl. When she finished talking he said, “Damn.” He was in utter shock by her response and agreed that this was exactly how he felt, but had never expressed to me. He just kept shaking his head in agreement and told her, “You need to write a book for real,” in his southern dialect.
But if this is how he truly felt, which he outright admitted more than once, why was his response to my text the other night so concise? Did it mean he agreed with the premise of my text that he didn’t love me in the way that I loved him? Because in my eyes fear and intimidation was not synonymous with me forever being in the friend category as my text had implied.
Now I’m confused again. I just don’t get why it’s so damn hard for him to tell me exactly what it is. Better yet, I don’t understand why I can’t shake these feelings for him.
In the back of my mind I want to believe that everything AC said, that he also confirmed, is the truth. But I also am a firm believer that a man knows whether he sees you as the girlfriend or the girl friend. If a man wants you there’s NOTHING he won’t do to have you. Period.
Fellas, what’s the real reason behind his short text or him not being with me? Ladies, what do you do with feelings that just won’t go away? Do you remain the friend or walk away?