I’m tired. Not sleepy, but tired of what has become my life. One minute I’m up the next minute I’m down. Where is the happy medium? Will there ever be one? I don’t know. So for now I write. Write what I can’t say, but feel. And when there are no more words to write, I’ll sleep. Hoping, praying for a better tomorrow.

  1. I’m 25 still doing some of the same idiotic stuff in relationships I did when I was 21.
  2. If you know better you’ll do better, right? This is the dumbest quote I’ve ever heard. Of course we know better, but don’t always do better.
  3. I love my new MacBook Pro. Well worth the stack I dropped for it.
  4. I need to call my Dad. We haven’t spoken in almost a year. But I’m too stubborn to call him. Why hasn’t he called me? I need him. I need him to tell me I’m beautiful inside and out no matter what any man tells me.
  5. Speaking of men, how can someone who uses the same mouth to utter ‘I love you’ turn around and say ‘Bitch fuck you. I hate you.’ Must not have been love.
  6. Will I ever have a healthy relationship with a man? (Cue Charlotte from SATC: “Where is he? I been dating since I was fifteen; I’m exhausted.”)
  7. People really think they know you from reading a 750 word article you wrote. (Cue Amy Poehler in the movie Baby Mama: “Bitch, you don’t know my life.”)
  8. I’m sensitive about my writing.
  9. Trust- something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do 100%. Trusting people is overrated anyway. Nah, I really don’t believe that.

10. My mom is turning 50! Just 25 years ago she had me. The same age I was when…never mind.

11. Do I have what it takes to really make it as a writer? Wait, Superhead has 3 published books and one was on the New York Times Bestseller list. Yeah I have what it takes.

12. Seriously do I have what it takes to be a writer?

13. New York, I fell in love with you. A picture of the Brooklyn Bridge I took on my way to the airport is even my screen saver as a reminder. Everyday I daydream about making you my home. But it doesn’t seem feasible.

14. How in the world am I going to pay off $40K in student loans? Uhh, a sponsor? Yeah right.

15. I hate him. Or maybe I just hate all the things he’s done.

16. Will my heart ever heal?

17. I have to start cooking more. I do want kids one day; and they can’t eat takeout everyday as I’ve come accustomed to.

18. Marriage is not in the cards for me.

19. Mary J Blige’s “I just wanna be happy” is the #truth.

20. What is my purpose?

21. I need to pray more.

22. Read more.

23. Enhance my vocabulary.

24. Although I’m not from the hood I feel like the one friend who made it out. Now I have the weight of making it for all of us on my shoulders.

25. I love black people. I hate how we treat each other.

26. I love him.

27. People have such balls behind a computer screen. I call them e-ballers.

28. Bloomington, I can’t wait to bid you adieu.

29. Someone hire me.

30. People say look at the glass half full instead of half empty. Sounds good. Not easy to do.

31. I’m a lot smarter than the stupid shit I do.

32. And sick to my stomach from the events of last night.

33. So glad the Celtics won the Game 2 of the finals. I despise Kobe.

34. Why do so many black men loathe black women?

35. I want to live a life of service. Need to start working with young girls.

36. Why does everybody think because I have my own place, my own car, a Master’s, good health (so they assume), that I’m better off than them? Or that any of that really means anything? Maybe I’m being ungrateful.

37. Go ahead, judge me. Now you really have insight as to Who.I.Am.

*drops mic*

  • Tricia

    Love it. Love ALL of it. I wish I could back into writing because it really dies heal some things.

    • WrittenbyBene

      Thanks girl!!!!! Writing is so therapeutic. I thought about writing objectively leaving out my own experiences. Because sharing your experiences opens the door for people to judge and comment on your life. But I don’t know how to write from any other perspective. Of course I have some works stashed away and locked with a password in my personal archives, lol. And you can get back into writing. I know you ARE an excellent writer. You’re a walking lexicon and your perspective on life = good writing. Let me know when you start back. 🙂

  • sarah

    Wow! Such openness about who you are takes a tremendous amount of honesty and courage. My anonymous blog-reader opinion (which I know is worth but a meagre 2cents 🙂 ): your thinking, questioning, search-for-meaning take on life mixed with your willingness to invest your “self” (and thus allow the reader to similarly invest) in what your write bodes well for your writing career.

    And yes, go Celtics!!!

    • WrittenbyBene

      Thank you! I really appreciate that. 🙂

      I hope the Celtics take it all! I’m a bad person, but I love to see Kobe look like he’s about to cry when they lose. (that’s so bad). LOL

  • Gayle Trimble

    I don’t care about Basketball. That said I’ll cheer for the Celtics for the same reason. I like reading about other peoples experiences because then I realize that I’m not alone in this world and that there are other people going through similar things. Not that I’ve had a terribly hard life, but some day to day things are difficult to cope with. strength in numbers.

    • WrittenbyBene

      This is one of the sweetest comments I’ve received. I really appreciate you for it. We’re all human and have our ups and downs. The sooner we realize this the more compassion we’ll have for folks and stop being so judgmental. I’m glad you could somewhat relate. 🙂

  • I’m proud of you for being this vulnerable. (I say that like I had anything to do with it.) You know what though? This post makes me love you even more than I already did! And Lord knows I can most definitely relate to more than a few of these.

    Keep doing what you do because you’re great at it, and more importantly, you love it. If you do what you love, and place it as a priority, the rest will fall into place. Can’t wait to see where God takes you over the next few years.

    • WrittenbyBene

      So sweet of you Stu. I really, really appreciate this. When I come to GA we’re definitely going to have to hang out.

      You as a writer know it can be difficult to put yourself out there like that. However, I can only be me. I don’t want to struggle with feeling bad for who I am or what I’ve done because the world tells me too. At the end of the day God has the final word.

      I can’t wait to see where God takes both of us on over the next few years in this journey called writing and life. I’m sure it will be all greatness! Love you twitter boo. 🙂

  • Kishia

    I love reading your blog. 🙂 Love ya…miss ya!! Ok, so on to what I thought about this.
    #4-I’m stubborn too. My dad has been in and OUT of my life forever. I’m 30 Bene….30 honey, and I still talk to him sporadically from month to month. I don’t understand why I still have to call him but I’m not 8 years old anymore. I think that thing that keeps my interest in him is the fact that he’s going to die one day and I don’t want to be like…”I didn’t have a relationship with my dad”. Is that wrong? I love him…but bc he was never around, I always feel like I’m not wanted, and I constantly want to feel wanted.
    I want to comment more but out of everything else, when I read when you were questioning yourself I was like…HELL YEAH you have what it takes to make it. Hell yea! And I say that because you have the smarts, you’ve done it before. I mean you worked for VIBE Magazine Bene! Who the hell else can say that?! You have the experience, you have the mouth on you to make it work, you just have to believe that you can do it….if not “fake it till you make it”. LOL You’re talented. Now own it. 🙂

    • WrittenbyBene

      Kish!!!! I love and miss you too. You are one of my favs. Thanks so much for the support. 🙂

      We are here *pointing to both our eyes* on the father situation. I have lately been thinking the same way as you in that I know he’s going to die one day. I don’t ever want to feel regret for being stubborn because of something petty. I don’t want to be the child who sits and cries “I shoulda, coulda, woulda” once it’s too late. This is one of the things my bff and I have heated conversations about all the time because he lost his father while in high school. So this is a very touch issue for him and he can’t understand for the life of me why I can’t just be the bigger person. I hope I get to the point you have of being the one to try to build a relationship with him despite his lack of efforts. It does hurt and it’s frustrating to think the person who helped create you can go without calling or wanting to build a relationship now that we’re adults. I commend you for being the grown up in your situation. That’s very big of you.

      In terms of me making it, I really needed to hear that. People tell me I’m dope and I’m going to “blow up” one day, but I haven’t owned it yet. And I don’t ever want to be cocky. So I’m working on the self doubt and confidence. This: “You have the experience, you have the mouth on you to make it work…” #classic. For once in my life my mouth might be beneficial! Yes! Thanks so much Kish. Miss you chica.