Yesterday I was reading my Twitter boo and fellow writer Stuart McDonald’s blog post “I Am Ready for Love…Or Am I? As I read the great points Stu made while humming the tunes of India Arie’s song, I began reflecting on the question he posed.
Memorial Day weekend was a long overdue girl pow wow to catch up on life with two of my best friends- sisters really- LS and AC. On Sunday we sat in LS’s living room discussing the stages we were at in our lives, men and how all three of us shockingly desired to be in a relationship.
While we were conversing my girl LS said something so cold I immediately knew some of us say we want a relationship, but aren’t really ready.
“There are no good men,” said LS.
“What?” AC and I asked simultaneously.
“You don’t believe that,” I said. Hoping for her to say ‘nah, I’m just playing.’
“Yes, I do. And AC you don’t think there are any good men do you?” she asked.
” Uh, yes I do,” said AC.
Now AC and I have had just as many hurtful things done to us by men as the next chic. You name it; we’ve probably been through it. But the difference between us and LS is we hadn’t given up hope on men. We knew that we couldn’t judge all men based on the actions of few.
So are you really ready for love?
After leaving a dissertation comment on Stu’s blog I thought about why I know I’m not ready for any relationship that doesn’t only consist of me, myself and God.However, like LS, others don’t know their desire for a relationship/love doesn’t always match up with what they need.
By no means am I a relationship expert of any sorts. Like, who declares somebody a relationship expert? It’s actually kind of funny. I can only speak from my experiences.
Five Signs YOU AIN’T READY FOR LOVE.
- You think all men are the same. Seriously, this is a terrible mind-set to have. I used to be there. However, we are grown as hell. Lil Kim’s “niggas ain’t shit but hoes and tricks” motto should have died after the release of that CD. I don’t see how this mentality is productive in your pursuit to obtain what you want. Until you rid of this negative attitude any man pursuing you, good or bad, has already lost because you’re certain he’s going to be like all the other men you’ve dated. Let’s leave the Lil Kim mantra where it belongs-the era where she was actually relevant.
- You lack the ability to self reflect. It is much easier to feel pity for yourself and blame all men for hurting you. The harder task is to ask yourself why the outcome of all your relationships is the same. What did you do to contribute to the dysfunction? Pointing out the flawed characteristics in your past significant others doesn’t do much good after the relationship has died. Recognizing the traits you have that might not be so lovable and working to improve them is a better use of your time. One thing I’ve had to learn not just in relationships, but in life in general, is something my mama used to harp on when I was constantly arguing with somebody; cursing out random strangers who I felt had disrespected me; telling police officers to kiss my ass; was this: “It can’t always be the other person.” I’d be infuriated with my mother for even implying such a thing. However, her words were the truth. Is it that it’s always him being irresponsible, crazy and a liar? Maybe. But what do YOU do?
- You still have an incredible amount of feelings for your ex. I know, I know. Obvious, huh? But so many people jump into relationships to pass time. Life doesn’t work like that. How can you cultivate a healthy relationship with someone new when you still want to be with somebody else? And ladies stop lying to yourself. Lie to your friends if it makes you feel better, but don’t lie to yourself. All the “I don’t care about him, if he died I wouldn’t care” hoopla is a front. We don’t believe you. You need more people!
- Bag lady you gon’ hurt your back. Dragging all them bags like that. Nothing is more unattractive than somebody bringing four different bags of luggage on a weekend trip. Deal with the issues you have within yourself, from previous relationships, childhood, before trying to grow with another person. He didn’t do it to you. Repeat: he didn’t do it to you. Whatever it is work it out. You can’t expect someone, no matter how much they love you, to wait around for you to deal with your issues. Cue: E. Badu “Bag lady/You gon’ miss your bus/You can’t hurry up/Cause you got too much stuff.”
- Love yourself first. We’ve heard this over and over and over again. Yet so many women still struggle with this. Self worth and self-love are not easy. A lot of times we think we love ourselves. But a glimpse at the behaviors we indulge in, or what we allow from some men proves otherwise. Recognize your worth. Once you do this I promise the stock of men you date will change drastically. You have to believe you’re worth one of the many good brothers out there.
I’m not sitting on my high horse judging or preaching. I have lived and dwelled there before; and I’m still a work in progress. And I’m not so arrogant to not recognize anybody with common sense could have composed this list. I do think, however, it’s one that should be reiterated.
If you relate to anything on this list…you might not be ready for love. Work on you; and everything else in life will fall in place in due season.